European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 09, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A potholed Road to wedded Bliss in the Caribbean Dave Barry i recently my wife and i decided to put some zing Back into our marriage by going to a couples Only resort. This is a popular new Type of resort that does not allow you to bring your children the theory being that it is difficult for you and your spousal unit to get into a romantic mood if one of you has to pause every 45 seconds to shout Jason i told you not to squirt Sun bloc Kinto Ashley s ear the resort we went to is in St. Lucia a Small and Lovely Island nation Way out in the Caribbean not far from Grenada which is the Island that Ronald Rea Gan rescued from the communist menace. I am frankly amazed that the communist menace was a problem in that area because to get there you have to spend All Day scrunched up in various air planes. I would have thought that by the time the communist menace finally arrived and located its Luggage All it would have wanted to do was lie Down and enjoy a refreshing popular local beverage consisting of rum mixed with rum. That s certainly what we wanted to do when we got to St. Lucia but we had to spend the first hour and a half Riding in a Small couple filled Van from one end of the Island to the other on the main Road which apparently also doubles As a strip mine. Technically you re supposed to drive on the left hand Side in St. Lucia but the Drivers swerve All Over the place to avoid the holes which Means that some times both your vehicle and an oncoming vehicle Are in the same Lane. The Only strict driving Rule in St. Lucia is no hurtling off a Cliff into the Caribbean without a Good  at one Point 1 am nor making this up Ourvan was driving Down the Middle of the Road and oncoming traffic was passing us on both  occurred when we were making our Way through a traffic Jam caused by the largest banana spill i have Ever seen. Bananas Are the no. 1 Indus try on St. Lucia followed by tourism and goats this was on a Steep Hill where a massive Load of bananas had Slid off a truck thus forming a tremendous Natu ral defense in Case the communist menace comes Back to the area with tanks. Drive Down that Hill Comrade of Here we  eventually we got to our resort. It is what the travel Industry Calls an All inclusive resort which Means that you pay a Flat amount of Money per Day and the resort sets out Large Mounds of food and you try to in clude it All in your body. Hey i paid for this food is what you Are constantly telling yourself to justify the fact that you Are already mounding your plate with lunch even though you have not technically finished chewing your breakfast. The food was served on a veranda next to a Lovely Palm fringed Beach so at every meal we enjoyed a breathtaking View of various Guys armpits. A lot of Guys when they Are on vacation in a tropical climate Wear tank style tops so that if you happen to glance up from your food Mound just As a Guy at the next table raises his Arm to signal the waiter for an other rum and rum you find yourself staring into his hairy armpit hovering in front of you like some hideous mutant alien space rodent. I think there should be a Noi armpits Section. But getting Back to Pur All inclusive resort for those Brief interludes when we were not eating we were encouraged to engage in a constant barrage of organized fun activities such As volleyball water Polo sailing hiking sightseeing windsurfing snor Keling scuba diving Ball hitting and Bun flexing. At night there were Talent shows newlywed games group singing movie showing limbo dancing and of course More food eating. This level of fun takes a physical toll. If you Are a Middle aged person such As myself by the end of just one Day your marriage has about As much zing As a severely Over steamed Carrot if you get my Drift. To avoid total exhaustion  left the resort com Pound several times. We Ceritto the jump up a regular Friday night event wherein people come from All Over the Island to a town called Gros islet. Everybody gathers in a Street lined with shoe Box sized bars and people Selling grilled food in the Middle of the Street Are some Gigantic speakers blasting reggae music. It s a Fine place to enjoy re freshing beverages and watch your braver fellow vacationers doing a highly entertaining dance called the tourist in which a person attempts to get Down and Funky while wearing a Fanny pack. On another Day we courageously rented a car with 25,000 St. Lucian Miles on it equivalent to 4.3 Mil lion Earth Miles and drove around with another couple Eileen and Steve. Steve likes to fish a fact that produced the following actual dialogue Eileen looking at a Guidebook Pooh Steve it says Here that in this town you can sometimes see local fishermen gut their catch on the Beach Steve Yessis we drove to. A Village called canaries where we decided to Stop primarily because our route was blocked by a Highway construction Crew probably constructing new holes in the Road. We got out went into a local establishment and purchased Beers from a bartender who was maybe 10 years old. Nearby three elderly people two men and a woman were sitting by the Side of the Road passing a bottle around. The woman laughed leaned Way backhand opened her Mouth wide. Lulu us she Sang is a Many Splendore thing. The people in canaries seemed very relaxed de spite the fact that they were not technically on vacation. I m not sure what their secret is. Maybe it s an All inclusive Village. The Miami Herald Page 28 sunday january 9, 1994