European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 08, 1995, Darmstadt, Hesse Fire chief sounds the alarm but All he catches is heat Joe Bob by Gas goes to the drive in i he fire chief of new York City keeps try ing to get permission to rip Down All the fire alarm boxes on the Street let peo ple just dial 911 if they see a fire but nobody wants to let him do it. Everybody thinks the City will Burn Down or something. But listen to the Guy s reasons. Ninety five percent of All fire alarms out of these Call boxes Are false five. Only in new York could we get a Statis tic like this. A Quarter million Falsis a year. So i think All the Guy is saying is hey people this Ain t Workin and everybody thinks he s a mean Ole Man for Sayin it. _ you notice this lately whenever something is obviously not work ing everybody wants t f save it. You know what i mean last year the postal serv ice tried to close Down a few Rural Post offices be cause they were Only scr unlike 30 people each. And people got furious. More than just those a people. Everybody was furious. Or when somebody says you know what these kids at the Little red 19th-Century schoolhouse out on Highway 80 Are scoring a lot lower on their tests than the ones at the big shiny new Yuppie High school downtown. Maybe we ought shut the ittle school Down and truck the kids Over to Uniec Galex and the parents go nuts. It s like they re saying no we want pm to be stupid we want pm to be picturesque and stupid it s a Texas tradition and so its the principle of the Dang thing. Well get poor and get stupid and Burn Down our cities but Well uphold All the great traditions won t we i love this country. Speaking of great traditions the Gina test series in the history of bazookas ind bazookas action flicks is Back i have to admit i was a Little worried when legendary Abc sports director Andy Sidaris decided to retire from the business of making James Bond rip offs starring Playboy playmates who never went to acting class. After classics express hard hunted and do or die All featuring big breasted Federal undercover agents blowing up helicopters and jumping in and out of showers i was a Complete septic when Andy handed Over the director s closeup underwater hot tub Lens to his son Drew Sidaris the no. 1 film director based in Shreveport la. But now Drew enters the big leagues with the Dallas connection starring 1993 Penthouse pet of the year Julie Strain As Black widow the Only villain in film history who has to have anybody she Kilt 1 . _ i could swear Andy Sidaris wrote this. Twelve dead bodies. Twenty six breasts multiple aardvark ing. Exploding Van with fireball. Multiple use of dog collars if you know what i mean. Exploding chinese golfer. Exploding speedboat with fire _ Ball. Gratuitous Andy Sidaris Cameo As a cop who turns Over evidence for no Good reason. Gratuitous topless dance rehearsal. Rung fun. Fistfight fun. Taser fun. Drive in Academy award nomination to Julie Strain As the agent in the tiniest miniskirt in the his tory of the universe who has wild animal sex with a rhyming into the new year Linda Ellerbee Julie Strain Mark Barriere Bruce Penhall Julie Smith Sam Phillips in the Dallas connection. Guy named Jean Pierre shoots him in the forehead then says god you were Good but hey so was four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Find that flick this week s Medulla Mangier comes from Christo Pher Martin of St. Clair shores Mich when i was 9,1 once caught a glimpse of two vaguely British actors talking about something called blood rust the implication was that this rust like the Blob had an appetite for a video will be awarded to the Correct answer. Address is below. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless _ Victory Over republicanism the double drive in on Columbus Avenue in Chicago has pigeons living on top of the screen and its owner Loews Heaters uses it on weekends As a Flea Market but it s still _ hanging in there in one of our largest metropolitan areas and just finished another great season Walter Szewczyk of Lombard 111., reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob i be been meaning to drop you a line Ever since the Playboy Issue featuring b-mov1e bimbos hit the stands. And though being referred to As a a movie Bimbo after studying acting for several years ticked me off and the photo that they used was a the Only Consolation were your kind words in your writ ing even though you could Haver written a paragraph about me instead of two lines but hell i la take what i can get. _ i was just Given a copy of Femme fat ales mag Azine and read your article and was amused at the mention of my name. Again you could have written More. You said i Only do bit that wis the part i was amused with because i Haven t done a bit part in a a movie in years. In your local video stoic Broh Cable you can seems co starring with Miles o pc cafe in Carre and i just finished the Lead in mind twister with Telly Sava his and a future a movie Queen Erica Nann and also Maria Ford. 7 slate West Hollywood Calif dear us Annc i would never diminish your enormous talents. Liver since i saw your head explode in chopping mull i be been crazy about everything you be done. Now York times Syndicate " _ to the meaning of i to Job or to act Roe junk in the mail or his world famous newsletter write Joe Boh Boggs. Box 2002, a Jas Texas 75221, Joe Bob s tax number at his trailer House 214 985-7448. Joe Bob on Gomp Servo 76702,"t435. 1995. Another opening. Another show. An other Chance for the world to Surprise us now pundits of every level of criminality have commentaries poor 1994 to deat ubut i confess to wondering what might be said that could put this new year into perspective. And then this letter arrives. The lady s name is Nancy Leon. I Don t know her but she has graciously included me on her Christmas letter list and her Christmas letter is so Good i m going to share it with you changing it Only to make it a new year s letter. When that crusty dab of stuffing hits the Doggy dish that s my Cue to Settle Down _ to compose our new year s wish. / wish that i was thinner. I wish there was no famine. And i wish that i could guarantee a habitat for Salmon i wish that All the complicated things in life made sense. I wish our kids could safely room _ beyond the schoolyard Fence. T wish my hair weren t turning Gray. It gives a Way my years. I d love a cure for alzheimer a to Calm our aging fears. I wish Newt Gingrich would shut up / hate to hear him Yammer. The thought of year round sound bites makes me clench my ears and stammer / Hope that we can overcome he whiners in
