European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 08, 1995, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I f 1 i 1" bowled Over by a hot sport in cold clime Dave Barry the problem with Winter sports is that follow me closely Here they generally take place in Winter Winter is both cold and Slippery which Means that if you engage in a typical Winter sport such As skiing you could easily wind up freezing in some Godforsaken Snowbank unable to move because one or More of your Knees have been converted into Liga ment Gumbo. Fact last year 17 percent of All recreational skiers were eaten by wolves. This is Why leading health experts recommend that you spend the entire Winter in a heated to equipped environment eating Chicz its directly from the Box. But for those of you who insist on leading an Active lifestyle year round i m pleased to report that there is a new Winter sport on the scene a Winter sport that lets you stay warm yet at the same time enables you to potentially get arrested. I found out about this sport from Judy Schnuck an Alert Reader who lives in a Wisconsin City called Oconomowoc an american Indian word meaning word that even american indians cannot pronounce. Judy wrote to me in response to a column i d written about a sport called car Bowling in which Guys try to hit junk cars with howling balls dropped from air planes. She said this reminded her of a sport invented by her husband Mark and a buddy of his named Bob Thelyn. It seems that some Winters ago Mark and Bob were sitting around a Gas station with not much to do. I certainly do not wish to make gender based generalizations but if Mark and Bob had been women they probably would have passed the time in some nonproductive manner such As nurturing their Friendship exploring their innermost feelings or helping each other gain significant insights into the important relationships in their lives. But fortunately for humanity in general Mark and Bob arc not women. Mark and Bob Are Guys and what they did is invent Sno plow hockey. According to Mark three factors led to this invention 1. Mark and Bob each had a vehicle equipped with a Sno plow 2. Both sides of the Street were lined by Steep hard Snowbank. 3. Mark s vehicle also contained no Motorist should Ever be without one a Bowling Ball. As Mark recalls the moment he and Bob realized that if they shoved the Bowling Ball with a Sno plow it would be prevented by the Snowbank from leaving the Street it would just Bounce off and keep going. We realized that it would basically Roll forever Mark says. Which is Why you need the other Sno plow to play defense. And that s How Sno plow hockey works. You have your two opposing Snow lows facing each other. The player on offence drives Forward and gives the Bowling Ball a Hearty shove with his plow the player on defense then tries to Block the Ball. The trick on offence is to  Ball it s just like Pool says Mark so that it carols off a Snow Bank and rockets past the defender into the intersection behind him where it knocks Over an elderly woman. No seriously Mark says they play this sport Only on deserted streets and nobody has been injured so far although there obviously is a certain amount of Hazard involved in having Guy operated Snow lows lunging toward each other in a competitive manner. How close do you come to hitting each other i asked. Too close replied Mark. He said there Are rules about How far Forward each Sno plow is supposed to go but we can t get anybody to come out and refer  Mark who in real life is a restaurant manager says that he and some other Guys still play Sno plow hockey on a Semi regular basis. Fortunately the police have never seen us he said. They would probably take our Bowling Ball  i Don t know about you but i think this sounds like a Way More entertaining Brand of hockey than the kind where you have a Bunch of stick waving canadians skittering frantically around trying to hit a Semi invisible puck roughly the size of a breath mint. Just think As a sports fan what it would mean if we had a National Sno plow hockey league with franchises in All major . Cities it would mean hundreds of pedestrian deaths. So we probably should limit the franchises to places that Are the size of Oconomowoc or if this is possible smaller. Nevertheless this is clearly a major ground floor Opportunity for the Type of wealthy stupid businessman who likes to own sports teams. Also you Large corporations should be aware that Mark Schnuck told me that As one of the top three or four Sno plow hockey players in the world he is Avail Able for lucrative product endorsements. For exam ple you could have a commercial wherein Mark Snow lows into Mcdonald s for a Hearty meal Tak ing Down most of the building in the process. My Point is that there s plenty of Opportunity for everyone who sincerely cares about sports As a Way to get Rich. But if you re interested you d better act fast. Because if this thing gets any More popular there will definitely be a strike.  to vol a &,$?$$.w4wmi Page 28 sunday january-8. -995