European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 2, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Hey gang let s hit the slopes and the Trees by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers if you re looking for a vacation concept that combines the element of outdoor fun with the element of potentially knocking Down a tree with your face you can t do better than skiing. My family just got Back from a ski trip to Vermont known As the wind chill Factor state. It was an adventure that i m sure we will remember fondly for Many years while our various body parts heal. The key to a successful ski trip of course is planning. By that i mean Money. For openers you have to buy a special outfit that meets the strict requirements of the ski fashion Institute namely 1 it must Cost As much As a medium wedding reception 2 it must make you look like the giant radioactive easter Bunny from space and 3 it must be made of a mutant fiber with a name that sounds like the villain on a saturday morning cartoon show such As Gore Tex so As to provide the necessary resistance to moisture which will be gushing violently from All of your major armpits once you Start lunging Down the Mountain. You also have to buy ski goggles costing upwards of $50 per eyeball that Are specially designed to not fog up under any circumstances except when you put them on at which time they become approximately As transparent As the los Angeles Telephone directory which is Why Veteran skiers recommend that you do not pull them Down Over your eyes until just before you make Contact with the tree. And you la need ski boots which Are made from melted Bowling balls and which protect your feet by preventing your blood which could contain dangerous germs from travelling below your shins. As for the actual skis you should rent them because of the feeling of Confidence you get from Reading the Fine print on the lengthy Legal document that the rental personnel make you sign which states the undersigned agrees that skiing is an insanely dangerous activity and that the rental personnel were just sitting around minding their own business when the undersigned who agrees that he or she is a raving Loon came barging in uninvited waving a loaded revolver and demanding that he or she be Given some rental skis for the express purpose of suffering serious injury or death leaving the rental personnel with no Choice but to. You get the idea. Of now you re ready to hit the slopes. Ski experts recommend that you Start by taking a group lesson because otherwise they would have to get real jobs. To Start the lesson your instructor who is always a smiling 19-year-old named Chip will take you to the top of the Mountain and explain Basic ski safety procedures until he feels that the cold has killed enough of your brain cells that you will cheerfully follow whatever Lunatic command he gives you. Then hell ski a Short distance Down the Mountain just to the Point where it gets very Steep and swoosh to a Graceful Stop making it look absurdly easy. It is absurdly easy for Chip because underneath his outfit he s wearing an antigravity device. All the expert skiers Wear them. You Don t actually believe that ski jumpers can leap off those ridiculously High ramps and just float to the ground unassisted without breaking into Walnut sized pieces do you like tinkerbell or something Don t be a Cretin after chips stops he turns to the group his skis hovering As much As 3 inches above the Snow and orders the first student to copy what he did. This is the fun part. Woodland creatures often Wake up from hibernation just to watch this part because even they understand that the Laws of physics which Are strictly enforced on ski slopes do not permit a person to simply Stop on the Side of a Snow covered Mountain if his feet Are encased in Bowling balls attached to what Are essentially Large pieces of Teflon. So they greatly enjoy watching As the first student cautiously pushes himself Forward and almost instantly achieves Warp Speed becoming an almost invisible blur As he passes Chip and proceeds on into the Woods flailing his arms and screaming like a Volunteer in a nerve Gas Experiment. That was Good shouts Chip grateful that he is wearing Waterproof fibres inasmuch As he will be wetting his pants repeatedly during the course of the lesson. Then he turns to the rest of the group and says who s next the group s Only rational response of course would be to lie Down in the Snow and demand a Rescue helicopter. But these Are not rational beings these Are ski students. And so one by one they too ski into the Woods then stagger out sometimes with branches sticking out Antler like from their foreheads and do it again. Bend your Knees this time advises Chip knowing that this will actually make them go even faster. He loves his work. Eventually of course you get better at it. If you stick with your lessons you la become an intermediate skier meaning you la learn to fall before you reach the Woods. That s the level i m on now in Stark contrast to my 8-year-old son who has not yet studied Gravity in school and therefore became an expert in a matter of hours. Watching him Flash effortlessly Down the slope i found myself experiencing both Pride and Hope Pride in his accomplishment and Hope that someday somehow hell ski near enough to where i m lying that i la be Able to trip him with my poles. Woman urged to accept a seat when it s offered by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners my problem is one that Many older women might think they d like to have but it troubles me. I am in my mid-60s, and i assume i look it because recently men have started offering me their seats on the subway. Sometimes i have taken the seat with a smile and a thank you but i Don t feel right about it. I m perfectly healthy and Able to stand. Furthermore i m out there in the working world competing with men and i Don t feel entitled to special courtesies just because i am a woman. In fact i think that women who expect the courtesies but also expect equal treatment in the Job Market Are helping to perpetuate male resistance to women s Equality. For these reasons i have generally refused the offer of a seat also with a warm smile and i Hope a most gracious manner. Sometimes i try to explain my reason sometimes i just say something like i m of standing  neither response feels adequate and i worry that the gentleman will feel like a fool and will never again take the risk of showing such a Courtesy to an older woman. Gentle Reader miss manners admires your argument although she disagrees with your action. As you Point out your refusal is Apt to cause embarrassment in someone who was Only attempting to be kind and to make him resolve to control such impulses in the future. Some frail pregnant or overburdened lady will suffer the consequences. Ladies first is not the Only possible system of precedence even in this Case. Before you claimed that it was just because i am a woman you mentioned your age and the fact that it is Only recently that you began receiving such offers. Do you really wish to extend the Competition of the work place to All facets of life it is True that age often counts for nothing in the Job world it is Likely to count against one. Do you wish to extend this to private life erasing the tradition of respect the Young were supposed to show to their elders a sure Way to do that is to reject courtesies on the grounds that you do not find them philosophically Correct. Dear miss manners my parents attended a wedding not having previously met the Bride s family. By coincidence the dresses worn by my Mother and the Bride s Mother were identical. Mom was under the impression she had done something wrong. She sat in the most inconspicuous seat she could find. After being snubbed in the receiving line by the Bride s Mother she spent the reception in another room of the Church. In t a wedding supposed to be a Celebration of two people s love for each other not a social Competition in t it the Bride s Mother who committed a breach of etiquette by refusing to Greet one of her guests please Tell me that the clothes one wears to a wedding Are less important than the Good wishes one brings to the Lucky couple. Otherwise when my Day comes i shall have to have one of those weddings in which no one wears clothes. Gentle Reader let us not threaten miss manners please especially when you have Good reason to assume that she is on your Side. Miss manners is not willing to say that All symbolic interpretations of  wrong. Had your Mother arrived wearing her own wedding dress and veil for example the people might have been right to be upset. As it was the Bride s Mother behaved atrociously. The obviously innocent coincidence of choosing the same dress merits at most a Brief humorous acknowledgement that the two ladies share the same Good taste. Dear miss manners How May my wife and i reciprocate to a Lovely Well to do Middle age couple who seem to have everything and who treated us royally when we visited them recently after a 23-year separation would a gift certificate be appropriate my wife thinks it would not. Gentle Reader a gift certificate is a last resort present in which you make the not altogether flattering admission to the recipients that you Don t know what to . Miss manners assures you that even if you could find people who truly believe they have everything you would not thrill them with the admission that you Are excused from thinking much about How to please them. Miss manners is not convinced that the situation is hopeless. They Don t have a lifetime Supply of food and drink do they in t there some delicacy they might enjoy have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 092 / /. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can Only answer questions in her column. February 2, 1989 stripes Magazine