European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 31, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Going on a diet or How to trim Federal budget Dave Barr Knight Ridder newspaper o or elected leaders Are working on the Federal budget again. As you recall the last time they did this we had a big budget crisis that re it suited in prepare for a scary concept a the shutting Down of the Federal government. A a a a a r. A. A ,. / this was of course a terrible hardship for the millions upon millions of americans who work for the Federal government. It also in conc Nic need some vacationing civilians because the government briefly closed a number of National Parks which meant shutting Down old faithful furlough ing the Federal bears Etc. But finally thank goodness they worked out a budget and the total including gratuities came to around $1.3 trillion. To give you the Ordinary taxpayer an idea of How huge a sum of Money that is its almost twice what the Boston red sox Are paying Roger Clemens this year. Here a another Way to. Comprehend the magnitude of this number if the entire $1.3 trillion Federal budget were divided up among the 260 million men women and children in the United states you  get any of it. That a Why we Call you an a Ordinary   would be even larger but fortunately it does not include the military buildup in the persian Gulf. The entire Gulf buildup was what our leaders Call  this is a shrewd financial concept they have come up with for keeping the budget in line they declare that certain items Are a off budget a which Means these items Are written Down on a completely different piece of paper from the regular budget which Means As any accountant will Tell you that they Are free. The reason our leaders Are concerned about keeping the budget Down to the smallest possible number of trillion dollars is that they want to reduce that Pesky budget deficit. As we see despite years of being reduced by our leaders the deficit is actually getting larger. To understand How such a thing is possible lets employ the classic economic technique of comparing the Federal government to a woman named Marge. Lets say that Marge has decided following an embarrassing incident wherein paramedics had to employ an Industrial Winch to hoist her out of a Barc Lounger that she could stand to lose some weight. A a a a a a a. Lets also say that its a thursday night which Means knots Landing is on television which Means that based on her prior performance Marge would ordinarily consume one mall Omar every 2.5 minutes and even More if its an especially engrossing episode like the one where Charlotte finally unravelled the mystery of who was sending unwashed pantyhose to Frank via Federal express. This Means that Marge a projected consumption is a minimum of 24 Mallo Mars. A a v. A. A a. A a but on this particular thursday the new More disciplined Marge consumes Only 21 Mallo Mars a feat she accomplishes via sheer Willow her plus six a off budget ring dings. To the untrained taxpayer Eye Marge a mall Omar consumption still appears to be totally out of control. But a trained government economist would  you that compared with her projections Marge a mall Omar consumption has actually been reduced by More than 12percent. Good going. Marge this is exactly How our leaders a a reduce the Pesky budget deficit a by not increasing it As much As they thought they were going to. And  reduce it to a record level when they finish 1 a a. Al i g working on the current budget which was. Submitted to Congress by president Bush Back in february. His budget proposal was a this is True �?2,029 pages Long. The Mere act of printing this budget probably Cost More than the entire War of 1812. The reason they make the budget so Long of Quot course is that the Federal government is an extremely Complex entity with Many serious responsibilities plus they want you to fall asleep before you get to the really comical items. So on the Early pages there will be sensible sounding items like a feeding the homeless a $27 million. A spying on russian $387 million. So everybody will get bored and quit Reading before Page 1,893, which will say something like a growing rutabagas in space a $983 million of course Congress does no to just a rubber Stamps the presidents budget. No sir the members of Congress take their fiscal responsibility very seriously and before they spend the taxpayers Money they re going to want answers to some Tough questions such As  we als be growing soybeans in space what about tobacco a a. A a issues like these will be debated for months to come and before you know it  be furlough ing the bears again. Its sure to be a highly entertaining spectacle although i personally plan to watch knots Landing. 0 u i 0 1 <3 Tea a Quot yug poem Schwadron a Usa a no kidding what it costs to make a Coin Penny a one/77th of a cent Nickel a 3.42 cents dime a 1.71 cents Quarter a 3.82 cents half Dollar a 7.29 cents source United states mint 1990 no fooling other names for april 1 april noddy Day All fools Day. Gowrie Day gown in Day source a dictionary of Days facts on file 1988 Eft Amsterdam Netherlands sunday March 31,1991