European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 27, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse 1 members of the . House of representatives vote to Stop getting themselves re elected by spending billions of taxpayer dollars on unnecessary weapons and military bases and Moron projects for purposes such As asparagus research. April fool. 2 True item scientists announce the discovery of massive 1,500-year-old fungus in Michigan. It covers at least 37 acres making it the largest living thing on Earth after Rush Limbaugh. In new York John Gotti is convicted on All 13 counts of racketeering and murder the judge in an unusual sentence orders him a to be More careful next 3 an International arms inspection team begins to suspect that Iraq May be concealing missiles when the team happens to observe several downtown Baghdad a Telephone poles blasting into the sky. 4 the giant Michigan fungus appears on Larry King live. 5 Sam Walton experiences the ultimate discount. 6 True item the ceremonial first pitch of the 1992 baseball season thrown by president Bush in Baltimore a new stadium lands in the dirt. Isaac Asimov returns to his foundation. 7 another True item the supreme court rules that undercover Federal agents acted improperly in a sting operation wherein they spent More than two years relentlessly trying to sell child pornography to a Nebraska Man and then when he finally ordered some they arrested him. Legal scholars Ponder what would happen if undercover agents accidentally purchased federally distributed kiddie Pom with cocaine manufactured by the Broward county sheriffs office. 9 great Britain elects an entire new government following a Campaign that took less time total than . Politicians will need later in the year to agree on a debate format. 10 the Bush administration proposes legislation to shorten the distance Between the pitchers Mound and Home plate. Convicted savings and magnate Charles Keating is sentenced to 10 years in prison but works out a Deal wherein he will actually serve 10 Days of his own time and use depositors time for the rest of the sentence. 11 Sam Kinison has his last laugh. 12 in a Triumph for the Bush administration following the . Invasion of Panama and a trial costing millions of dollars a Miami jury convicts Manuel Noriega on charges of receiving stolen buttons. 13 Ross Perot announces that the country is All messed up but that he has ordered a plan to fix everything and will reveal it just As soon As he takes delivery. His polls soar. 14 Bill Clinton a political strategists concerned that Hillary could be hurting the Campaign by appearing to Harbor opinions enrol her in the Donna Reed housewife rehabilitation clinic where she is confined to the much feared Heloise unit. 15 True item president and mrs. Bush a tax returns Are made Public revealing that in 1991 the president made $2,718 in royalties for his autobiography whereas first dog Millie made $889,176 for hers. 17 downtown Chicago is paralysed for what will turn out to be several Days by a massive multimillion Dollar flood the cause of which is traced to the Home of Arnold Spoo Terman whose last words according to his wife were a we done to need a plumber. Ill just tighten 18 a closer inspection of the Bush tax return shows a business deduction for $457,756 Worth of a Chew 21 Nasa scientist using sophisticated computer analysis of photographs obtained from the Hubble space Telescope report that there is a dead Bug on the Lens. 25 Ross Perot announces that his plan to fix the country up has been delayed because some parts had to be Back ordered but they should arrive a within a couple of his polls soar. 27 the War on drugs scores a major Victory when . Agents acting on a tip arrest Peru. 29 riots erupt in los Angeles after residents obtain an Advance copy of the Murphy drown script in which she becomes an unwed Mother. 30 looting spreads to Many areas of l.a., including Rodeo drive where witnesses report seeing escaped hotel Queen Leona Helmsley breaking into a leading boutique by hurling a Large Diamond against the plate Glass i political leaders from All Over the nation Rush to los Angeles to express their concern for the inner City until the to lights go out. 5 Ross Perot a poll ratings surge again after he announces that his plan to fix the country finally did arrive but had to be sent Back because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton newly released from a successful treatment at the Donna Reed housewife rehabilitation clinic Delares that the no. 1 concern of the Public is a closet 6 the final credits Roll for Marlene Dietrich. Ii True item United airlines announces that it will serve Mcdonald a food on More than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago so Harc Airport. 14 another True item sen. Dennis Deconcini d-ariz., endorsing a balanced budget amendment says a a we re going to finally wrestle to the ground this Gigantic orgasm that is just out of 15 damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United airlines Pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a Mcdonald a drive thru window. 16 sen. Dennis Deconcini denies any knowledge of a life size inflatable copy of the Federal budget found in his car. 18 Halcyon gets a clean Bill of health when a food and drug administration panel reports that the controversial drug a poses absolutely no threat to the Little talking Harmonicas that live in your Lawrence Welk passes away but this is not expected to affect his performing skills. 19 tributes to Johnny Carson dominate the airwaves As the beloved tonight show Host in his last week on the air is visited by a glittering array of celebrities including Cher Newt Gingrich and devastated iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein who tells the late night legend that he never misses the monologue a even when in a in the 20 in a major policy address Dan Quayle Points out that Dumbo a mom was unwed thereby touching off riots in four major cities. On the tonight show Johnny a guests include Marky Mark and the joint chiefs of staff. 21 in what will later be viewed As a mistake the crack Middle East peace negotiating team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia. Johnny Carson plays Host to Mother Teresa the Chicago bulls Telly Savalas Susan Sontag and weird a1 Yankovic. 22 in los Angeles a judge orders police officers acquitted of beating Rodney King to be re tried this time by a jury that is not legally Blind. At the White House. Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie Best Selling author and unwed Mother. On his much anticipated final show Johnny Carson following a moving tribute by Princess Diana Orson Welles and six of the original 12 apostles announces that he has decided to retire. 1 uncertainty grips the Middle East As brain surgeons in Jordan work for seven hours on Plo Leader Yasser Arafat but arc unable to get that cloth thine off his head. Quot 3 Bill Clinton seeking to improve his image among Young voters goes on the Arsinio Hall show and after donning a pair of dark sunglasses smokes a joint. 4 thousands of delegates from All Over the world Jet to Rio de Janeiro for the Earth Summit an event that scientists predict will Sci cry deplete the planets dwindling Supply of hours do oeuvres. 8 by an unfortunate coincidence the annual Tail Hook convention of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las vegas hotel As the Assoc cation of women karate instructors. A i had no idea a states one observer Quot that an aviator could Fly that far without an 9 at the Earth Summit a Day of often heated debate finally draws to a close when delegates by an unexpectedly close margin vote to order the veal Scalp Pine. Jimmy Hoffa appears on Larry King live. 10 doubts arise concerning Ross Perot a claim to be a Washington a a outsiders after the new York times reports that the Dallas billionaire owns the smithsonian institution the Lincoln memorial and an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of representatives. New tonight show Host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush who seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing smoke on the water on the ukulele. Earth Summit delegates vote to distribute 680,000 copies of the 571-Page official Earth Summit manifesto to end waste and souvenir album. 11 the . Senate after intense lobbying by the National Rifle association defeats a Bill Banning handguns in the womb. 12 in a landmark decision a Federal judge in los Angeles rules that if the National endowment for the arts is going to use taxpayers Money to buy Art the taxpayers should get to decide what kind of Art. 13 Ross Perot appealing on the David let Turman show wows Young voters with a rendition of stairway to heaven on a nose flute. The National endowment for the arts purchases 3.4 million paintings of dogs playing poker. Scientists detect a Large new Hole in the Ozone layer believed to be caused by fumes from flaming desserts served at the Earth Summit. 14 the . House after a lengthy session during which virtually every member gets up and makes an impassioned speech stating that something must be done about the deficit rejects the balanced budget amendment. 15 president Bush a brain Trust seeking positive press coverage shrewdly decides to Send the president to Panama where he is welcomed by Happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming demonstration until they Are driven off by tear Gas. 16 As the ongoing Iran Contra investigation enters its 19th year special prosecutor Lawrence Walsh Calls a press conference to announce that he is appointing a special task Force to try to remember who the contras Wei e. 17 seeking to boost the sagging . Humor Industry vice president Quayle gives a spelling lesson. 18 True item a Federal audit shows that William Reilly the head of the environmental Protection Agency which sets strict mileage standards for cars owned by Ordinary humans often drives a Federal car that gets 6.3 Miles per gallon. 23 in yet another indication of Public anger voters in Kansas approve a referendum mandating the c ont. On Page 6 december 27. 1992 sunday a
