European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 27, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Guiding its voice has 200 Pepperoni pizzas delivered to the peso. 25 in a landmark ruling an Orlando fla., judge declares that a 12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects Marge and Homer Simpson. V 28 the political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughters wedding hints he May re enter the presidential race. He invites Bush and Clinton Campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes. 29 True item police arrest Eric Adam Kaplan a candidate for the Florida legislature and charge him with firing five bullets into the Home of his opponent incumbent Bob Starks and wounding Starks wife in the leg. Kaplan is immediately hired to direct Pat Buchanan a 1996 Campaign. 30 political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot when Ross Perot in what a spokesperson describes As a merely a gesture of appreciation with no strings attached a donates $750 million to a the electoral College. 31 ignore this. September has Only 30 , 1 True item during a nato exercise in the Aegean sea the . Aircraft Carrier Saratoga accidentally launches two live missiles at a turkish destroyer. Bill Clinton wooing voters without lives appears on As the world turns. 2 Ross Perot re enters the presidential race pledging to a clean up this mess in Washington and a age t these tiny Cia computers out of my the missile Cruiser Cowpens begins steaming toward Turkey. President Bush appears on the Home shopping network. 3 in a shrewd Public relations move that garners enormous sympathy for her cause whatever it is Singer Sinead of Connor tears up a photo of the Pope. 5 after More than a month of on again off again negotiations a debate format is finally agreed upon and All four major news networks interrupt their prime time programming to present the first of four scheduled prime time confrontations Between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen. 6 Turkey surrenders to the United states. 10 True item the associated press reports that a West Virginia Man who had been drinking Beer decided to clean three handguns and wound up shooting himself in the foot three times. He is immediately hired by the Bush Campaign. 11 the Pope appearing on Larry King live tears up a photograph of Sinead of Connor. 13 in the first of four presidential debates Bill Clinton promises to increase spending for jobs education health care the environment the infrastructure the out restructure and parking while at the same time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the Middle class. Bush says Clinton is a Bozo. Ross Perot says its time to Cut bait and talk Turkey. 16 the three major vice presidential candidates debate. Here is the Complete transcript a my turn a a no mine a a what a a Odood head a a Wiener brain a a where am i a a Are too a a am not a a a what a going on a a liar liar pants on fire a a Nanny Nanny boo boo a a who Are these people a 18 in Atlanta during ceremonies opening game 2 of the world series Between the braves and the Toronto Blue jays the Marine corps color guard carries the Canadian Flag upside Down. The Marine corps stresses that this was a totally 19 in the second presidential debate Bill Clinton promises to increase spending on the inner cities suburbs Rural areas the wilderness the Ozone layer and the asteroid Belt while at the same time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says Clinton is a communist whore Monger. Ross Perot says you have to Bale Hay while the tractor is warm. 20 at game 3 of the world series in Toronto a Royal Canadian air Force marching unit in a development that the Canadian government later stresses was a totally unintentional a opens fire on the Marine corps color guard. ?1 literature lovers flock to bookstores to Purchase the latest work by respected author and naked person Madonna featuring photos of a number of celebrities including Millie and a in yet another blow to a once proud institution a four members of the British Royal family. 22 red Barber Calls his final out. 23 in the third presidential debate Bill Clinton promises to give every voter a briefcase full of Money then clean the voters garage while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi a mom from the Hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is satan. Ross Perot says you can to feed grits to a dead hog. 24 True item an astronomer at the Harvard smithsonian Center for astrophysics predicts that the Comet Swift Tuttle could strike the Earth in 2126. 26 in the fourth and final presidential debate Bill Clinton promises to give voters a magic Pill that will enable them to live forever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss. George Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Ross Perot says it takes two snakes to Cross a puddle. 28 the consumer product safety committee orders that the Comet Swift Tuttle be equipped with an air bag. 29 Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the polls. 31 True item according to the Toledo Ohio Blade a two women who attended a halloween party dressed As tampons were recovering from bums suffered when their costumes were set ablaze after they apparently came in Contact with a cigarette , 1 pollsters report that the presidential race is tightening As voters swing from Clinton to Bush with Perot support holding steady. The food and drug administration announces strict new regulations governing tampon costumes. 2 pollsters report that voters Are swinging Back from Bush toward Clinton with Perot support dropping slightly. 3 pollsters report that voters Are edging Back toward Bush then suddenly darting Back toward Clinton with Perot supporters eating a Ham Sandwich. 4 pollsters report that the voters by statistically significant margin Are saying that the election was yesterday which Means somebody already got elected although because of the margin of error it will be necessary to conduct More polls to confirm this. 5 in Post election activity president Bush insisting he is a not bitter All a orders the missile Cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike against his own Campaign Headquarters. Meanwhile Clinton speaking in sign language indicates he May not be Able to immediately fulfil All of his Campaign promises but he does expect within the first 100 Days to ask Congress to declare National Reed instruments week. 6 news analysts bored to death declare that the Clinton presidency has failed. 7 socks the cat appears on Larry King live. 8 Clinton is plunged into the first major controversy of his failed presidency when top level military officials object to his plan to eliminate the armed forces Long standing policy against admitting people who have Good haircuts. 11 the supreme court in a 3-0 ruling declares that love is like an itching in your heart and baby you can to scratch it. 13 in sports heavyweight Champion evander Iio Lyfield is Defeated by challenger Bobby Fischer. 16 Bill Clinton angrily defends his Choice of Vernon Jordan As transition chief claiming that Jordan a ties to the tobacco Industry will have a no effects on Cabinet appointments. In the worsening Trade War Hillary Clinton taking a More aggressive role now that the election is Over orders the missile Cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike against the French wine Tanker Les not. 19 in the worsening Trade War leakage from Les not causes what the Epa Calls the worst wine spill in the nations history a 600-mile wide blot of Bordeaux approaching the . Mainland and expected to make landfall in Virginia where angry residents argue that a cabernet would have been far More appropriate. Clinton names Joe the Camel As Secretary of agriculture. 20 the Trade War ends with a total French capitulation after Hillary threatens to place a 300 percent Export duty on Jerry Lewis movies. 26 adding More woes to Britain a troubled Royal family a fire strikes the Queens clothes closet destroying 4,317 hats with an estimated Street value of $11. Superman Dies probably As a result of wearing the same underwear for 50 years. 29 Nasa officials Hope to Sec a boost for the troubled space program As the space shuttle adventuresome blasts into space on a daring Mission to repair a faulty Hose in the $34.3 million Orbital Washer dryer orbited in a daring Mission the previous month. In other space developments the giants threaten to move to , 1 what begins As a Friendly transitional get together Between the Bushes and Clinton ends in tragedy when Millie Ralphs up what is later identified As socks the cat. In space astronauts replace the Orbital Washer Hose Only to discover that the Orbital dryer has lost its $13.6 million space lint filter. The space shuttle Opportunity immediately blasts into orbit on a daring resupply Mission. 3 professional baseball a owners meeting to set the 1993 schedule vote unanimously to eliminate the actual games so everybody can devote full time to contract hassles. 5 Nasa suffers another setback when both the shuttle adventuresome and the shuttle Opportunity develop severe blockages in their $21.7 million space toilets. Space officials order the shuttle determined to blast into orbit and attempt a daring Mission to deploy the experimental $103.9 million space plunger. 8 Congress seeking to ease the pain during difficult times approves a $34.7 million program to teach Defeated and retiring Congress persons How to Deal with Ordinary civilian life including courses on paying for your own meal parking with common people not writing checks for More Money than you actually have and How to buy a postage stamp and attach it to an envelope. 14 in Britain rumours flare anew concerning the troubled marriage of Charles and Diana after a tabloid newspaper obtains a recording of an intimate Telephone conversation Between Charles and a party he refers to As 19 in a Surprise Cabinet move Bill Clinton appoints Gennifer Flowers As Secretary of human affairs. In space nasal a daring space repair Effort comes to naught when the commander of the space shuttle determined upon reaching orbit discovers that the Craft is because a previous commander accidentally left a the club on the steering wheel. Nasa officials immediately order the shuttle reliable to blast into orbit on a daring Mission to deliver the key. 23 Britain is shocked by the revelation that a wee Jums is a Polo Pony. The supreme court votes 53-1 to request More pornography cases. 24 the american medical association concluding a 10-year study on Why health care costs Are rising so fast reports that the fundamental cause a could be a number of things a so Quot we re going to schedule some reaching across party lines Bill Clinton appoints Orrin Hatch As proctologist general. 25 Santa narrowly avoids a missile fired by the Cowpens. 27 Saddam Hussein purchases the giants. 31 a grateful nation celebrates the end at last of a truly bizarre year unaware that the crack Middle East peace negotiating team having done All it can for the former Yugoslavia is now heading for new York. Meanwhile bands of White men in dark suits Are converging on new Hampshire to begin laying the groundwork for their bids for the 1996 presidential primary. Fortunately serious campaigning is not expect to begin until next week. Until then have a Happy new year. The Miami horrid december 27, 1992 sunday a Page 7
