European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 27, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                _ Page 22words amp a follow these rules or risk embarrassment James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art the first Rule of Good writing to which All other rules Are subordinate is this pay attention the second Rule is learn from your ignorance the third is when in doubt ask Well guess who grossly violated Rule no. 1? who do you suppose wrote a column in which he referred to Eisenhower s famous remark about Justice William Brennan a worst Damn mistake i Ever  the quotation was accurate but Eisenhower Wasny to talking about Bill Brennan. He was talking about his nomination of chief Justice Earl Warren. The sad thing is that i knew the crack had to do with Warren for i had used the quotation before. Why did i foul up i Wasny to paying attention. Another of my goofs of the year also violated Rule no. 1, a Reader in Seattle asked about a one of the bests or a one of the  his Point was that a a bests is an adjective in the superlative degree. How May we grammatically have More than one who is the Best or richest to this inquiry i responded by agreeing that a Logi Cally sir we cannot have but one that surpasses All  several reproachful readers wrote in to say that i had it wrong. I did have it wrong. I should have said a can have but one rather than Quot cannot have but  i goofed. Perhaps i goofed a though i still defend it a when i wrote of the democratic convention in new York that when Clinton a triumphal entourage left town a a disgruntled Jesse Jackson was trailing somewhere in the  How is it possible i was asked to Trail in the Van i knew that a the Van Means a the  its a Short form of a Vanguard a which Means you re in the front part of an advancing army. Yes but i was thinking that there is a Back part of the front part. Others in the Van were ahead of Jackson. I thought it was a Good line but any number of readers cried a gotcha a last Spring i scoffed gently at a classified and promoting a House for Sale. The House was  it was a new verb on me. I  even pronounce it. Then came a letter from John Vitas of Tualatin ore., instructing me that a a a Sprinkle red is a common term in building construction fire Protection and  i flunked Rule no. 2 in september when i identified sen. John Glenn of Ohio As a the first Man to orbit the  John Bird of Birmingham ala., was the first of several readers to set me right. Glenn Wasny to the first Man to orbit the Earth he was the third. Two russian astronauts preceded him. Rule no. 3 says when in doubt ask in september i began a column by quoting a old Iron pants Johnson a a senator from California As saying that when War comes the first casualty is truth. The quote was right. Sen. Hiram Johnson said it in a speech on the floor in 1917. But he Wasny to the Johnson who was nicknamed a Iron pants Johnson. That was Gen. Hugh Johnson administrator of the National recovery administration in the 1930s. Its embarrassing to admit it but most Rule no. 3 violations Are the work of newspaper writers. We Are supposed to be a Tough Bunch unafraid to ask questions but often we re so afraid of looking ignorant that we keep our Mouths shut. Several months ago columnist Ellen Goodman remarked upon the old to right Eisenhower quote wrong judge. Lotical Rule a that a political ticket ought to look like a Trilik a Goodman is a Fine writer a pulitzer prize Winner but she  spell a a triptych for Beans. She should have asked. Fealty to Rule 3 would have saved a reporter for the Palm Beach Post last month. The reporter was writing about a local judgeship contest. An unidentified lawyer said that a judge Wessel would never be elected. A the described Wessel As a too tonic with attorneys in his  five will get you 50 that the judge was teutonic not too tonic. The reporter did no to understand the word and did no to want to look dumb so he did no task. When in doubt ask and stay in doubt Universal press Syndicate these Holiday parties have turned into a bad joke Tony Kornheiser j whatever happened to office parties during the holidays of i know places still have them. But they re so tame now. Political correctness has taken All the fun out of them. A Man can to put a lampshade on his head without being accused of being insensitive to Well you know people Horn with lampshade shaped Heads. In an almost imperceptible cultural shift it has now become common for people to go Home from an office Christmas party wearing their own underpants. The 70s and a Kos were the Golden age of office Christmas parties. Everyone has a Story about a career that was made or lost at one of those parties a some embarrassing incident with the vaseline and the prize african violets and the dental hygienist and to this Day they be never found the parakeet. In a not a Hig Drinker. But i looked Forward to once a year ordering a drink that i could strike a match to and blow up half of Cleveland. I looked Forward to this one night when i could plow myself with martinis pastries and stuffed shells and not fear that id be fired after i threw up in the punch. You can to do that in the �?T90s. Now the typical Christmas office party is wonk City. People commonly order White wine with water or if they want a mixed drink Perrier and Bianca. The Only Way around this terrible trend is to put out plenty of Bourbon balls rum balls and my own personal favorite a Tennessee truffle a 70-proof Jack Daniels chocolate Ball that my Friend Nancy Calls quoted Mcmahon in a  you can to smoke. Of no. You smoke and you re a Leper a except you can to be a Leper because that is insensitive to Well you know people with leprosy. People wan to smoke at office parties. The bathrooms Are such a smokehouse you re afraid a personal body part will turn into beef Jerky. You can to serve anything fattening. This is very bad because it eliminates my favorite Christmas office parly foods anything cooked Over sterno. I love All sterno food even the stuff that looks like deep Fried hairballs because it All tastes the same a like it has been dipped in anti freeze and then warmed on a Radiator. Who invented sterno the Donner party you can to Tell dirty jokes. Or ethnic jokes. Or sexist jokes like Quot what a the difference Between a dog and a Fox Quot a five  or any jokes that might actually be funny. You can however discuss deep philosophical issues such As Why humor seems to be a lost Art these Days nobody uses drugs anymore. Even the aspirin is decaf. Behaviour at these parties is so stilted that a Man does t even feel free enough to walk up to a woman and casually lick her ear. Then again men and women seem to have divergent views of office party objectives. Women want to get to know their colleagues bet Ter so that they can establish a More harmonious fruitful mutually respectful relationship in the workplace. Men want to have sex. Today a office party is about As much fun As taking a breathalyzer test. You have to stand straight. Body language is a big Deal. You done to want to be too stiff like Ai Gore or else people will hang their Coats on you. You want to appear casual. But you can to be Loo casual. You can to for example Bob for the mandarin oranges in the Ambrosia. You can to imagine the foodstuffs people bring to Christmas parties. Most of the stuff looks like it was scraped off a paste pot. There Are these self consciously eccentric items like a piece of Bologna wrapped around a prune and marinated in tarragon vinegar a like some English speaking person might actually eat this. When i have to contribute to a pot Luck office party i go straight to the gourmet Safeway March Down the aisle marked a potluck supper affluent and Load up on color coordinated and completely inedible pasta salad. It lies there ail night like Mao tse Tung. I done to take it Home a i Tell the hostess to use it for kindling. My Friend Nancy used to go to an annual party where a woman brought a mix of Rice chef wheat chix peanuts and pretzels soaked in soy sauce and tried. I can to even imagine a Billy Goat eating it. Nancy did. Quot there was so much Salt that id eat a Mouthful and my face would puff up like a balloon. And then id be up All  which is Why at office parties i go straight for the giant shrimp. As a sportswriter i have Learned three valuable lessons about free food 1. You never come late. 2. The shrimp is always the Best thing at the Buffet table. 3. T hey Don t refill the shrimp. Creators Syndicate a sunday december 2/, 1392