European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 27, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voice shot stuff no Madonna a Book is cold As steel Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in for those of you who can to spend the 50 Bucks to look at Madonna a Gar Bonzas this Holiday season i offer the pocket size Joe Bob Briggs synopsis of Madonna a sex Book first feel the cold Metal steel of the cover against your trembling fingertips. Aroused yet remember this is As thrilling As its Gonna get. Open to Page 1, where a Nek kid Madonna ghost is playing a brass bed like a piano a this Book is about sex. Sex is not love. Love is not sex. But the Best of both worlds is created when they come so much for the philosophy part. A Hun nerd pages later you la be asking yourself a if the Golding Book is about sex How come she uses the word a love 947 times and a sex about three a turn on Over to the Page that looks like a collage Madonna did for her grandma in second Grade. Read the poem my name is Dita which is All about How Shell be your mistress sorceress magician a love technician and a Poison turn the Page again the one called a a in la teach you How to the one where she swearing this Black leather peekaboo Metal studded police officers Bikini and Jock strap with a whole lot of things for her keys and a Lone Ranger mask and she a using her fingers to. Here ill wait while you throw up. Of. Whew got through that one. Now we get to my favorite part a the tattooed Bald headed hairy Krishna Lesbo lip lock body piercing woolly Sisters who hang All Over Madonna like lint on a cheap suit sorry. Next comes Madonna a impassioned defense of Playboy Magazine the pictures where she whips a fat girl and gets tied up by a biker and writes really Cool stuff about the five minute conversation she had with a Dominatrix one time and then she makes a big Ole ugly skinhead in a dog Collar lick her fishnet stocking. Getting into the Holiday spirit yet you might Wanna order three four of these for grandma. She hangs out at a Gay stripper bar where about eight Nek kid Guys made a Madonna Sandwich. She frolics on the Beach. Then in the crucial turning Point of the Book she decides none of these sexual experiences Are really enough. What she really needs is somebody she can share the height of passion with the ultimate in pleasure. What she needs is herself. We get a whole Bunch of Madonna making love to herself except for the Page where she in tempts to Tell us Why it grosses her out to aardvark with fat people. Next a we re almost finished now a she Slinks around Miami in the Buff wearing nothing but Silver spandex hot pants and heels occasionally stopping to let an Eye Talian Guy grab her from behind. And then she tells us about the time she did it nine ways from sunday in the Chelsea hotel with Street trash. A typical Day in the life of Madonna. Artist. Dancer. Singer. Sex psychologist. Dominatrix. Lover of skinheads. She is woman hear her Roar. But the Best part is yet to come. When you try to close the last Page the Back cover pops off and the end paper rips. Then you can to get the Book closed. Peekaboo. Guess whose Book Joe Bob read file it lies open on your Coffee table for the rest of your life. The perfect Symbol of Madonna herself who refuses to go away. Three Hundred sixty eight breasts. Seventy four sexual zombies. Aardvark ing. Madonna fun. Four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over the parole Board the Gatesville drive in in Gatesville Texas site of the Only women a prison in the state has reopened and is packing them in a begging the question when will they be showing a triple feature of caged heat girls in chains and Reform school girls ? . Army maj. William Herridge Iii of Paderborn Germany reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dearest Joe Bob i want to marry you and have your children. I probably have Many requirements you would desire in a woman 1 i have less hair on my face than most men 2 i have almost All of my Teeth 3 i like to Pound Down brew skies while watching wheel of Fortune in my double wide a Nek kid and 4 Jimmy Swaggart is my sex husband and my blood Uncle. I know we Are soulmates. Suzi Marsh Columbus Ohio dear Suzi Send verification of your league Bowling average. If its High enough we could be married and divorced inside of three months. Dear Joe Bob Briggs Here goes your handwriting analysis by signature. You Are a sensitive possibly too sensitive person however you cover it up by those statements you write in jest but most people Are too stupid to see through it. Also you have great self esteem. On the other hand you May have had some problems within your childhood with family a a Little bit rebellious also you have great creative imagination a not Only in writing but also in the arts a theater music. You Are a Multi talented person. Why done to you get off your Duff and use All your talents use your adventurous talents a whether you travel in your mind or by plane or train or car. Darinka Luke Fairfield Calif. Dear Darinka i have one More question what will it take to get me off my Duff i want to know and four sex wives want to know. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get free junk and Joe Bob s world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas to 75221. Joe Bob s tax line is always open 214 368-2310.who was Home for Christmas not the homeless Linda Ellerbee on the Street near the Street where i live is a Church. This time of year the Church plays Christmas music Over outdoor loud speakers. Across the Street from the Church is a record store. This time of year the record store plays Christmas music out its front door loudly. Only once have i heard the Church and the record store play the same song at the same time sort of and that was the other night. The song was ill be Home for Christmas. I was walking Back from the Market when i heard it. Naturally i thought about Marge. After All she lives right by the Church and the record store i mean this quite literally. Marge May be homeless but she has her spot right by the Church and the record store. And yes Marge was a a Home for Christmas. Home on the Street. Here show it is. There arc fewer empty Beds in the shelters. There Are fewer Public places to stay. And there Are More homeless. This is new York City at the end of the year 1992. It will dig a Hole in your heart. It should. A a in la be Home for Christmas. You can count on me. M what you can count on is this. There will be no room at the inn we have 50,000 homeless people in new York City. The City a oldest established shelter says it will turn away More than 50 people a night this Winter for Lack of Beds. They say they will use a lottery to choose who can stay. There will be risky situations. Tuberculosis has replaced crime As the no. 1 fear in the shelters. New York has always spent More on housing per person than any other american City and guess what we have More homeless than any other american City. Nol everybody agrees concerning Why this is so. Ask your Basic right Wing Republican and he will Tell you new York has been so successful at moving people to permanent housing that people arc willing to declare themselves homeless so they can get a Home. Huh ask a sensible person and that person will Tell you we have More homeless than any other american City because we have More people than any other american City. What happens everywhere else in the country happens Here More. The thing to remember about the homeless situation in new York is that we Are not some aberration some weird East coast Sliver of Fruitcake that does no to really matter in your life. What happens where you Are happens Here first. Done to forget that even if you done to know Marge and you May not know Marge or anyone like her especially if you live in a a a car City which so Many of our cities Are. In a car you travel too fast honk if you understand a a hungry. But Marge is there. And Here. And what is True is that Marge and this City Are the ghost of Christmas present a Christmas 1992. They Are the Shadow that hangs Over the tree and certainly Over the feast. They Are the vision not of sugar plums but of now and of next year. Exactly what arc we going to do about that Call it this seasons big hit homeless alone. King features Syndicate december 27, 1992 sunday a Page 21
