European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 18, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                The Best of the great simile contest James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art he time is at hand and a pleasant time it is to announce winners in the great simile contest of 1994. In Section one we sought similes for something having to do with solidity. The $100 prize goes to . Roberts of Otago ., who wrote of a woman whose pie crusts were like plaster  in Section two we invited similes for something having to do with laughter. A $100 prize goes to a thur r. Miller of Akron ., who imagined a Happy woman if her laugh could fill a Glass you would Call it  Section three was for elementary arid Middle schools. The $100 prize goes to Marie Franckowiak s seventh Grade English class at Kenmore Middle school in Kenmore , Section four was for High schools. In a close con test for the $100, Stephanie Stewart s Sophomore class in English at Amelia High school Batavia Ohio edged out Texas military Institute in san an Tonio. /. ,/." / the 1994 contest attracted roughly 4,300 no Stu Dent participants who submitted two similes each. Denis Rome Italy we had class entries from 282 schools with 8,070 Stu Dent participants. Similes came from department of defense dependents schools in Germany and from a missionary school in Venezuela. Similes i looked at 16,700 of them. An unkind Cut came from a seventh grader at St. Peter s lutheran school in Vincennes ind teach ing an old dog new tricks is As hard As teaching Hill Ary Clinton to let the president be  on a lighter note it appeared evident that school children also have an aversion to meat loaf and fruit cake and to almost anything cooked by an older Sis Ter. My grandma s Fruitcake is As hard As  my sister s biscuits Are harder than hockey  the cafeteria meat loaf is harder than cinder blocks and tastes about the  hyenas How did the idea of a laughing Hyena get so firmly planted at least 500 entries relied upon this hapless beast for similes of striking mediocrity. From Summit 111. Girls at a slumber party giggled like a Herd of laughing  from Saginaw Mich my laughter is As wild As a  from Magnolia Ohio the kids laughed As hard As Hye Nas we had herniated hyenas hyperactive hyenas Happy hyenas mocking hyenas and a Hyena with hic cups. These 500 entries mind you came from participants who never in their lives have seen or heard a live Hyena. So it goes. At least 200 participants thought of laughter As contagious As contagious As a Runny nose in a Nur Sery school As contagious As the common cold and from a fifth grader in Chicago the children s laugh Ter was As contagious As diarrhoea a dismal thought. Several entries from children carried a poignant note As solid As my parents marriage used to be. My dad used to laugh like a big Bird but now he Only quarrels with  to judge this year s great simile contest i set aside the thought of drafting professional writers or teachers. Instead i called in three friends who have been avid and Eclectic readers for the past 65 years. They knew a Good simile when they hit one. The top overseas entree for solidity came from staff sgt. Dave Ross stationed in Wurzburg Ger Many who wrote his determination was As solid As a Rottweiler s grip on a mailman s  we had a tie for second place in Section two. Elizabeth Mason of Greenville s.c., came up with her Giggle spread like broken beads on a Hardwood  Patricia Gray of san Antonio offered a smile wreathed her face like lace on a valentine.".  of the entries packed Short stories into a few words his Promise to love me forever soon proved to be As solid As  my resolve not to fall in love was As solid As a screen  there was a resolve that did t last Long. Thank you participants for playing so cheerfully with the Good Clay of English prose. Universal press Syndicate no to get a hold on talk show list jeers Tony Kornheiser Iam so envious of Howard  gets away with saying dirty words on Theair. When i write dirty words the $1.6 billion creators Syndicate dirty word substitution computer program keeps turning it into other stuff. Watch As i now Type into my computer an sex. A optionally dirty word expletive. See. However that s not the main reason i m envious of Howard Stern. I m envious because he saves peo ple s lives on the air and i Don t. I have a talk radio show just like Howard Stern Dan Imus and Rush Limbaugh. Well maybe not just like those Guys. Imus gets Calls from Bill Clin ton whereas i get Calls from Bill from Clinton my. Bill will ask Why i m not As Good As Don Imus anyway the other Day a Guy called Stern on a cel Lular phone and said he was going to commit suicide by jumping off a Bridge. Stern talked him out of it by offering a variety of reasons Why life was Worth living  As the fact that this Slob could get right through to a big important Star like Howard Stern without being put on hold. Nobody Ever tried to commit suicide on my show maybe because of my show but not on it. Howard Stern talks to important people. They fight to get on his show so he can ask them if they Ever barfed in the sink or something. I understand the archbishop of Canterbury is a regular guest and the prime minister of Belgium and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. So Gabe did a Ever blow your nose into a really fancy Book i get guests too sports luminaries  As the assistant groundskeeper of the san Diego padres. My Engineer Calls them and i give them a Long flattering introduction Stan has several times Actu ally had lunch with the san Diego Chick Enand i flip on his line and there will be silence and i la hang there like a fat Man whose pants have just fallen around his Knees As i realize Stan has put me on hold i be been fortunate in that i have regular callers. There Are about 15 of them and they Call every Day and when i m off the air i guess they Call each other. It s like we re All in a fraternity together except i m the Only one Home when the food is delivered. But i still get terrified that one Day nobody will Call and i la sit there with my thumb up my expletive getting the flops eats like Albert Brooks did in broadcast news. Before i did my first radio show i had lunch with a Veteran Call in Host and i confessed i was afraid i d open the phones and nobody would Call. He told me not to worry people always Call. Think of the most obscure topic in the world he said. I Dunno i said. Of How about pre Raphaelite female gouache  laundry detergents he shot Back. Laundry detergents yeah laundry detergents. Remember most of the midday audience is women. So you schmooze for a while about How these pre Raphaelite female gouache artists must have gotten their clothing All full of paint and Back then they did t have any washing machines and you wonder How they got their clothes clean. Which reminds you of what a drag it is doing laundry and you wonder How Many loads your listeners do and what detergents they use and bang the phones Light up like it s Christmas i loved this  what if nobody Calls i said pleading. You want the a no. 1, can to fail Way to get thou Sands of callers he said. And he told me a sentence i should use Only in my direst emergency Only after i d tried everything pos sible to get a Call even confessing that i once had sex with a cabbage Patch doll. The sentence was Genius i wrote it Down and put it in my Wallet. I thought i could never stoop so Low As to use it. But i know it is going to happen. It will be some Day when the Only Calls i am getting Are from people who want to fire a coach or make a Trade that is ridiculously advantageous to the Home team like i m a big Washington bullets fan. Do you think or Lando would Trade us Shaquille o Neal for our Ond round draft pick in 1998? and i la hang up on the Guy in disgust and suddenly realize there is not a single other Call waiting. And finally i will succumb. I la say you know speaking about the Cincinnati bengals and their linebacker problems and then i la pull from my Wallet a tattered slip of paper with that special sen tence written Down and read i really hate cats and i am thinking of Flushing one Down the  the switchboard will explode like one of those old fashioned police photographer s flashbulbs. Andi la never be lonely again. Creators Syndicate Page 24 sunday december 18, 1994