European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 18, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Full the flight plan was to go up not throw up Dave Barry Here s what i want you to do open you Mouth wide. Now take your Index Finger and stick it Wavay Yyi Down you Throat and hold it there until your digestive system is in violent reverse thrust Mode. Congratulations you be just experienced what it feels like to Fly in a fighter Jet. I know this because i recently went up in a High performance air Force f 16 fighter equipped with an extremely powerful engine sophisticated electronics spectacular acrobatic capabilities and thank god a Barf bag. There was no beverage cart service. The Way i got into this was i spoke at a banquet for personnel at the Homestead Fla air Reserve base which is slowly recovering after having had Large sectors of it blown into another dimension by Hurricane Andrew. A banquet organizer had suggested that i might want to go up in an f-16, and some Friendly fighter pilots from the 93rd fighter so convinced me there was beverage service at this banquet that this would be a lot of fun. Valuable tip never assume that you and fighter pilots have the same definition of  your fighter Pilot is not a Normal individual your fighter Pilot is an individual who As a child liked to ride his Bicy Cle  you May also have done this but your future fighter Pilot was doing it on the roof of his House. The fact that these pilots have grown up and received a lot of training and been entrusted by the government with multimillion Dollar aircraft does not change the fact that they Are also and i say this with respect completely but of their minds. ". Y " but i was feeling Brave when i arrived at Home Stead air Reserve base ready for my preflight train ing. Friendly air Force personnel got me a flight suit while i was putting it on in the locker room i noticed that there was a Little Gold plaque Over each urinal each saying something like maj. Gen. Name relieved himself Here september 9,1989." then i noticed similar Gold plaques Over the sinks. Then i saw a plaque on the washing machine Reading the entire 906th tactical fighter group relieved themselves Here March 8,1991." fighter Pilot humor. And i was trusting these Guys. A c ,. " next i underwent an hour of egress training which is when you learn How you get out of the air plane if something goes wrong although probably nothing will they keep telling you. How you get out is very very fast. In fact your seat is actually a Small but powerful rocket that will blast you 900 feet straight up if you yank on the yellow handle Between your legs but you re supposed to do this Only if the Pilot yells bail out bail out bail out he has to say it three times and you definitely want to move your head Back when you yank it unless you want your Kneecaps to pass completely through your Eye sockets which would be bad because you need to Check to make sure your Parachute has deployed be cause if it has t you should yank on this other Yel Low lever Over Here and if you re coming Down Over water you need to inflate your life preserver by pull ing on these two red knobs but first you have to get rid of your oxygen mask by pressing outward on these two Metal tabs and yanking the mask Forward and. ". .".". And so on for an hour. Correctly regressing a fighter Jet requires Way More knowledge than med ical school. After egress training the Pilot maj. Derek Ryd Holm gave me a preflight briefing in which he demonstrated using a blackboard Eraser some of the Aerial Maneu vers we d be doing. Well be simulating an attack situation like this he d say moving the Eraser around in rapid Little arcs. Well be feeling some  i now realize that right after we left the briefing room the Eraser threw up. Actually my f-16 ride went pretty Well at first. Sit Ting behind Derek in the two person cockpit i Felt nervous but my physical discomfort was fairly minor. Then we took off. We took off with afterburners. It was like in Star tree when they go to Warp Speed. Then we made an unbelievably sudden violent right turn that made me feel like a Clove in a giant garlic press and Sepa rated my stomach from the rest of my body by at least two football Fields. And that was just taking off. After that we did at tack Maneu vers. We did Rolls. We broke the sound Barrier and then flew straight up for three Miles. Then we flew upside Down. My stomach never caught up with us. It s still airborne Over the Florida keys awaiting Landing instructions. Here s the conversation Derek and i had Over the intercom Derek that s called an Aileron Roll me . Derek you of Back there me . I m not saying it was t thrilling. It was. I am deeply indebted to Derek Ryd Horri and the 93rd fighter so and the entire . Air Force for enabling me to be among the very few people who can boast that they have successfully lost their lunch upside Down at five times the Earth s gravitational pull. And de spite my discomfort and the reservations i be expressed in this column can honestly say that if i Ever get a Chance to go up again i la let you go in Stead. Although you probably won t get to ride in the plane i used. I think they had to Burn it. Elaml Herald. Page 28 sunday december 18,1994